7 Video Games that Never Got Made

1. Alastair Sim City (1997) – Electronic Arts decided that the popular British actor of ‘A Christmas Carol‘ fame would make an ideal avatar for virtual lifestyle gamers. If the game had got past the blueprint stage, players would have been able to live in a small vicarage in Kent, ride a rickety bicycle, drink tea with Mrs Haversage and mutter veiled threats at over-officious post-office staff.

2. Knitmania (1999) – A knitting sim for the Playstation, gamers were required to learn various stitches before embarking on a scarf, a cardigan before meeting the end-of-game Boss – a sofa cover with matching anti-maccassar. The multi-player online deathmatch was seen as a potential killer app, with participants teaming up to knit jumpers in various historical locations.

3. KnuckleShuffle (2001) – Another Playstation game, but this one dealt with masturbation. A First-Person Shooter, players had to learn the basic moves before taking part in tasks involving accuracy, speed and technique. Fortunately, there was no multi-player mode.

4. Ripper! (2003) – Perhaps the most controversial game of all time that never was, Ripper! was a Vice City-style games based on the life of the notorious Yorkshire mass-murderer Peter Sutcliffe. The game never got beyond an email sent in the offices of EA Sports but such was the furore caused by its mere mention that the CEO, Pablo Nariappara, resigned and EA Sports were slapped with a $75m fine by the US government. Ironically, the game was rebranded under the name Little Big Planet by Sony a few years later.

5. Toenail Clipping ’05 (2004) – A game about toenail clipping. Beta-tested in Belgium – not a success.

6. Call of Duty: Norwich (2009) – In an attempt to make the franchise more of a hit with UK players, the East Anglian town was chosen as a archetypal British location that gamers could identify. Levels included guerrilla warfare around the Market, a running battle through Wilkinsons and a final shootout at the football stadium during an FA Cup tie with Ipswich Town. This game ranks with Grand Theft Auto Stow-on-the-Wold as the worst attempt at localising a global franchise.

7. Jim’ll Fix It (2012) – With almost 50,000 games all ready to deliver to shops Rockstar were forced to shelve their latest potential hit. Gamers could either play as Jim or a participant, battle through levels with the goal of ‘fixing it’ for someone. News events overtook it eventually. The sandbox element – access to British Television Centre and all of its secret rooms – was deemed too controversial.


7 Parts of the Human Body You Didn’t Know Were Used in Sex

1. The gap between the brain and the front of the skull – Believe it or not, the First Nations people of British Columbia, Canada, often consummated their marriage partnerships with a frenzy of sexual activity in front of the tribe’s elders, culminating in the bride’s frontal lobe cavity being penetrated by the husband through the Aeolian Fissure, a small niche in the skull between the bridge of the nose and the forehead. Apparently, it hurt.

2. Between the big and second toe – Hoofing, or Piedophilia, is a largely forgotten sexual practice much admired by the mountain people of the Langedoc region of France. The lack of penetration was balanced with the frisson of ticklishness. A toe-specific STD, Darroze’s Crumble, meant that the act was eventually avoided by all but the most ardent.

3. The back of the knee – A reference to Cap Nudging, as it was called, can be found in Martin Chuzzlewit: ‘And with that, Mr. Scuzzfrig threw the prostitute face down on her bed and nudged her cap til the sun came up over Spitalfields’.

4. The large intestine – the noted Satanist and sexual adventurer Alestair Crowley once remarked that he had had sexual relations with a sailor from the Baltic fleet who had allowed him to venture ‘up river‘ – coded reference to intestinal intercourse – although he refused to be drawn on exactly how he had achieved this.

5. The eyeball – the human body contains many sphincters, including the iris of the eyeball. A practice only attempted by the most careful and determined, Touching the Soul, as it’s known, is rarely attempted and few have succeeded. Those that have say it’s the best sex they have ever had. Those that haven’t say exactly the opposite.

6. Murby’s Labia – often treated as an urban myth, this part of the body doesn’t officially exist but is referred to as the ‘fourth hole’. Many have dubbed it the ‘Area 51’ of the female body and, like its desert counterpart, have tried to film it at night. Perhaps it’s part of a cover-up…

7. The middle ear – while some consider the ear to be fair game, few have ever ventured further into this organ. Aural sex has its own porn genre and many ‘lobe lovers’ stage conventions in tribute to their practice: Wax Fest occurs every September in Chicago.

7 Great Films You’ve Never Seen

1. ‘Lobes of Frenzy‘ (US, 1936) A great lost western, ‘Lobes of Frenzy’ was directed by first time director Hoot Mossbanger, a German dissident from Berlin who had fled his home country after persecution due to his sexuality. Having a basic training in art photography, Hoot persuaded RKO to give him $45,000 to make a homo-erotic cowboy film. Stand out moments include the duel where the two gunslingers draw clay penises out of their holsters instead of guns, and the bar-room fight involving 26 naked men, a horse and, making his film debut, Montgomery Clift dressed in a rabbit suit.

2. ‘Yes, There’ (UK, 1951) A bold attempt to educate the British public or soft-core smut? This half-documentary, half porn-film was directed by Dennis Fenner, the enfant terrible of the British film industry. Immediately banned in its first weekend, the film dealt with such themes as S+M, prostitution and numismaphelia, a little-known fetish where individuals derive sexual pleasure from rubbing themselves with banknotes. The scene where Harry H Corbett, soon to appear in ‘Steptoe and Son’, ‘blows his wad’ can be seen on YouTube occasionally.

3. ‘Titty, Titty, Titty’ (UK, 1960) Diana Dors appears in an adaptation of Jane Austen’s ‘Persuasion’. The action is moved to Brighton in the present day. Dors appears drunk throughout the film and continuity is all but forgotten – a character who dies half way through the film appears at the end without explanation, and Dors’ hair changes from blonde to red even after she is decapitated.

4. ‘Apocalypse Now 2: Kurtz fights back’ (US, 1985) An attempt to recreate the success of the original, ‘AN 2’ was directed by Penn Shefford, but lacked the genius, the actors and the setting of the original. Kurtz, played by Nick Nolte, has escaped from Cambodia and is now living in California. He sets up a new army of mercenaries but, due to money issues, Shefford could only afford another four actors. He overcame this with clever editing, latex masks and hand puppets. Nolte sued to have the film deep-sixed and Shefford stole the tapes, though clips have surfaced on YouTube.

5. ‘Moo’ (Canada, 1977) A film directed by a cow. The civic zoo in Calgary, in an effort to boost visitor numbers, provided a cow with a film camera and coaxed it into producing a short fiction film. The finished piece lasted 7 mins and consisted of the cow’s tail swishing, some grass and the sun setting.

6. ‘Utsana, Utsunu’ (Japan, 1997) Ichi Uma-Sapporo was a left field film-maker before this film was made, but he pushed the boundaries with his last effort. Shot entirely with pin-hole cameras made of hollowed-out watermelons, the film, about a farmer’s struggle with sleepwalking, was meant to be projected onto wheat. Cinema-goers voted with their feet and Uma-Sapporo sadly took his own life with sashimi soon after.

7. ‘The Human Bagel’ (Germany, 2009) A mad scientist decides to stitch the fingers of five accountants together to form a chain. No one saw it.